If you’ve read any of our author interviews, you know that here at Knockin’ Books, we’re a little obsessed with zombie apocalypse books, movies and shows. So naturally, we’ve had a lot of discussions about what will happen when the inevitable zombie apocalypse starts. As we see it, the keys to survival are simple:
(Note: There are no superheroes or mutants on this list, because that would be cheating. Also, if any of you nitpick and argue timelines or nerd trivia that would make one of our choices invalid, we’re gonna TP your house and leave a flaming bag of dog crap on your doorstep. This is for fun, people, not professorial debate.)
Michonne (The Walking Dead)
Inventor of the ingenious “travel with pet zombies to mask her scent” plan, Michonne is as clever as she is capable with her katana. Sure, Darryl is a great shot, but in the time it takes him to reload his crossbow, Michonne can take out an entire horde of ravaging zombies, neatly and stealth-like. And last season, she proved how ruthless she can be in defense of those she loves by dispatching the annoying Ron Anderson after he shot Carl’s eye out. The best part? She didn’t even hesitate. That alone earns her a spot on our zombie apocalypse team. (Those Anderson boys had to go)
Jason Bourne (The Bourne Identity)
Have you ever seen a situation this guy couldn’t handle? A weapon he was unfamiliar with? Yeah, neither have we. Enough said.
Katniss Everdeen (Hunger Games series)
Here at Knockin’ Books, we like to eat. Like, a lot. Since we’re guessing that stockpiles of canned peaches and Twinkies will eventually run out, we’d like to have someone on our team who’s capable of hunting. Katniss has definitely proven herself in that capacity
Dean Winchester (Supernatural)
In the course of 11 (yes, that’s right, 11) seasons, Dean has killed pretty much every supernatural being you’ve ever heard of, and a few I think the network completely made up. Demons, angels, Death, Hellhounds, werewolves, vampires, zombies, Lucifer, God’s sister, Leviathans…he’s seen it—and beaten it—all. He’s been to Heaven, Hell and Purgatory and lived to tell the tale (it’s complicated). And as if that weren’t enough, he’s super funny, good-looking (because hey, it’s not all about killing during the zombie apocalypse) and he’s a good mechanic (you never know when you’ll need to hotwire or fix a car while escaping a zombie horde). We have to think a well-rounded dude like that would be invaluable during the zombie apocalypse.
(Note: you won’t find Sam Winchester on this list. He tends to get a little whiny for our liking, and family is the only real weakness Dean has. Love of his brother has caused him to do stupid shit season after season, so we’re eliminating that problem early on. Sorry, Dean.)
Daenerys Targaryen (Game of Thrones)
In the zombie apocalypse, it won’t be all about fighting and killing. You’ll need someone to plot and plan and rally the troops with motivational speeches. As we all know, Dany is the queen of motivational speeches. And, you know, dragons.
The Doctor (Star Trek Voyager)
Let’s face it. The zombie apocalypse is no joke. You’re going to get hurt and sick. You’ll need a doctor on your team. And who better than an emergency medical hologram? Think about it: he can’t die. You’ll have him forever. And he has an encyclopedic knowledge of all things medical. There’s no affliction or injury he can’t handle.
If this choice is a little too nerdy for y’all, our back-up choice is Tara Knowles from Sons of Anarchy. She was a little wishy-washy and a tad crazy, but she was a helluva doctor who could handle herself in a fight (BBQ-fork episode notwithstanding). She’d do in a pinch.
Martin Riggs (Lethal Weapon series)
Every zombie apocalypse team needs that one guy. You know the one. The guy who is just a little…off. This is the guy who will cheerfully take on a suicide mission and somehow, against all odds, come out on top. Martin Riggs is perfect in that capacity, the ultimate blend of crazy, fearless and skilled. It doesn’t hurt that he’s also a former Special Forces badass. (It also doesn’t hurt that he’s easy on the eyes…but we digress…)
John McClain (Die Hard series)
He took on a high rise full of heavily armed mercenaries by himself and won. Barefoot. He even managed to battle the great Alan Rickman (may he rest in peace) one-liner for one-liner and held his own. That’s a guy we want on our team.
River Tam (Firefly)
She’s a genetically-enhanced, one-woman army built for the sole purpose of kicking ass. Capable of reducing hundreds of rabid Reavers to a pile of corpses with almost balletic flair, she’s definitely a woman we’d want on our side when the inevitable happens.
Kim Kardashian (sex tape)
We know what you’re thinking. This is an insane choice. What possible use could there be during the zombie apocalypse for a social media attention hound who carved an entire career out of her appearance in a sex tape? But think about this: you don’t have to be the fastest member of the team. You just can’t be the slowest. And with the team we’ve put together, sad to say we’d be the slowest. Good old Kim is the perfect zombie bait, someone for the zombies to snack on while we make our escape. Sorry Kim, but thanks in advance for taking one for the team.
James Bond, 007 (Daniel Craig not Pierce Brosnan)
There's a little bit of overlap with Jason Bourne, but 007 is a guy who just gets shit done. If we’re facing a zombie hoard, we want the comfort of looking over our shoulder and seeing someone who always finds a way out of impossible situations. Listen up guys, we know he’ll be major competition for any of the surviving ladies out there, but we think it’s a small price to pay if he’s helping keep everyone alive. And maybe he saved a few of his handy tech gadgets. You never know when an exploding fountain pen or stun gun wrist watch might come in handy.
Spock (Star Trek)
He might have a little trouble dealing with the logic of killing zombies who are already dead, but the dude’s crazy-strong, and that Vulcan neck pinch thing would come in super handy for dispatching any humans who want to cause trouble for our zombie-stompin’ team. Also, as the Science Officer aboard the Enterprise, he has an encyclopedic knowledge of all kinds of…science-y stuff, which will probably be useful, too.
Black Widow (Avengers)
(Note: don’t get all up in arms, okay, folks? We know that technically, Black Widow is an Avenger, and is called a superhero by many. But we’re leaving her on our list because she is human, and doesn’t have any super powers, other than looking supernaturally amazing in black leather. Plus…our Design Dude refers to her as his future second wife and wouldn’t let us leave her off the list. Since all things design-y stop when he’s unhappy, let’s just let him have this one, shall we?)
If we’ve learned anything from watching the Walking Dead it’s that other humans can be just as dangerous as the zombies. These bad guy groups also tend to be overwhelming made up of dudes. Wouldn’t it be great to have a super-hot, bad ass killer female in your group who can attract the attention of a bunch of dimwitted bad guys while the rest of us surround them?
Beatrix Kiddo “The Bride” (Kill Bill, Vol. 1 & 2)
Again, this is a little bit of an overlap with Michonne, but we suspect even she would agree that Beatrix is vastly more skilled with a sword. She can take a punch and bounce back. She’s crazy-determined when she’s pissed off and doesn’t seem to know fear. She’s not necessarily the best at strategy and planning, but we have other members of the group who can handle that stuff. We just need Beatrix to do what she does best: kill everything in her way. She’s also easy on the eyes, so she can help Black Widow out when distracting dimwitted human bad guys as necessary.
Maximus Decimus Meridius (Gladiator)
This guy is the ultimate bad ass. He’s skilled with spears, swords, knives, and hand-to-hand combat. As a general in the Roman army, he's experienced in coordinating large scale assaults against vicious opponents, which would be super helpful when facing a sizable mob of walking dead. A natural-born leader, he inspires loyalty from his comrades and will protect the team and its members with his life if necessary. What more could you ask for?
Snake Plissken (Escape from New York)
As a former member of Special Forces Unit Black Light, Snake is the youngest soldier to be decorated with the Purple Heart twice for operations in Leningrad and Serbia during World War Three. After he was betrayed by the U.S. government, Snake became a criminal loner, so he likely won't be involved in any alpha male battles for control of the team, a rare commodity for dudes with military backgrounds. He's effective with a wide range of weapons, is resourceful in tight situations and is absolutely ruthless when necessary. Plus, his criminal background might come in handy if they ever have to negotiate with a marauding biker gang that somehow survived the apocalypse.
Sure, he’d have to get over his pacifist tendencies (we’re thinking we could beat that out of him), but this guy can build anything. Seriously, the dude can probably build a gun out of a tampon and stick of gum. There’s always room on our team for a guy like that. (We would require him to get rid of the mullet, though. That shit’s just wrong.)
What about all of you zombie apocalypse enthusiasts out there? Did your favorites make the list? Drop us a line. We’d love to discuss.